If I wish one thing for you all this Valentine’s Day it is for you all to achieve sexual satisfaction be it alone, or with a partner. Valentine’s Day is perhaps the most awkward day of the calendar year and the sexual revolution hasn’t done it any favors. Presently, the prevailing winds indicate that it is a day for children to trade heart themed and punny pre-made notes, for teenagers to run around confused and for adults to express their affection through themed gifting or feel lonely if they are single. I can’t help everybody. But I believe as a female who has been in more than one long term relationship with men I can offer some valuable perspective to hetersexual men in relationships with women.
If you are single and have your eye on someone. I highly encourage you to use this day as your opportunity to take a big risk and make a grand romantic gesture. For it to work you have to commit all the way and take a big risk. If you aren’t feeling it, use the day on yourself. Disconnect from social media and go buy yourself a new sex toy. Tune the world out and do things you like for yourself. You deserve it. The rest of this post is aimed toward men in long term relationships because they seem to need the help more than anyone.
Much ado has been made about so called high maintenance girlfriends and wives what to do for them or about them on Valentine’s Day. A discussion of the sexism of the term “high maintenance” will need to be tabled for another day - my goal now, as ever, is to get us all laid real good. So for today I am going to put a bandaid over the sexism of the whole setup and focus on how to work within it.
So why does today’s modern liberated woman still look forward to gifts and expressions of adulation on February 14th? To this question I ask another question: does everybody not remember Christmas? How much of Christmas was powered by the emotional labor, blood sweat and tears of so many women and femmes? Don’t you see that we’re tired? We keep card lists, we wrap gifts, we plan dinners, and trips, we stay up late, we handle mothers-in-laws judgemental passive aggression. If you are in a relationship with a woman and you can’t seem to figure out what her deal is, get wise to emotional labor.
Valentine’s Day offers women in heterosexual relationships a day of respite and escape from emotional labor a guaranteed chance at being “treated” to adoration without having to set the whole damn thing up herself. If a special woman in your life seems drained, touched out, stressed, and anxious and she isn’t as sexualy responsive as she once was, take this Valentine’s Day as your wakeup call. It is time to do some emotional homework and lift the burden from your partner. No specific products or purchases are required to implement to do this. But you are going to have to do some planning, and you may have to practice some communication skills that don’t come naturally to you.
Stumped Mom’s guide to nailing Valentines Day and getting laid real good”:
Do some planning. Women do a lot of the planning work in our society whether it’s in your relationship or in her family or at work. Plan something and when I say plan something I don’t mean say, “Hey babe I think we should go out on this date where do you want to go?” You need to identify a time frame, a place and an activity and the food. The only thing you should bother her about is setting aside the time. If she has kids set up child-care. The place can be home, the activity can be netflix and the food can be pizza but do the planning. Make the time the space and the effort for her.
Did I mention the space? If your partner is a mother especially take time to get her out of her every day space, or at the very least clean it for her. Even if you feel like the chores in your relationship are divided evenly women experience tremendous social pressure to have a clean home and any time she is in the home cleaning anxiety can derail any chance of romance. If you don’t cohabitate clean up your place and host her, if you do consider getting a hotel room in your own city. Some of the hottest dates I have ever had have been in hotel rooms. Personally I am more likely to experiment with new things when I am not at home. And by experiment I mean, multiple partners, toys, anal, pornography and all those goodies.
As part of your planning process. Talk your partner her about her fantasies and sexual needs. Read up in my fantasy talk series to get some ideas on basics. Try to find out about the various phases of sex and if there is anything she would like more or less of during each of them.
Surrender all pressure and expectation. Make yourself a zen master of romance by concentrating on gratifying your partner. Practice mindfulness and enjoy every moment of intimacy you have for what it is. If she touches your knee, try not to think about if she is going to move her hand to your groin look at her face and think about how nice her touch feels. Do not think of your dinner conversation as foreplay even if you are flirting. Concentrate on what it is you are enjoying about that moment. Focusing on the end goal will make it harder to achieve
Lay on the admiration. Women are bombarded with messages about their bodies and how they should and shouldn’t be. It is time for you to give her some verbal appreciation. The key to doing this successfully to make it detailed and specific. If this is unnatural for you take some time and think about it and even write it down. What about your partner sets her apart from others? Don’t just say “you have nice hair,” a seven year old could come up with that. Sure you can compliment her hair but be specific, include details about colors, textures, smells. Then add feeling words and action words. What emotions do you experience when you are near her? What are you motivated to do by these emotions?
If things are going well once you have given your lady some admiration you can start with som verbal foreplay. Work from those areas of admiration that you started with and tell her how you would like to touch her or be touched where and why.
Concentrate on some no pressure body care or physical intimacy. You know, shit like: snuggling, back rubs, baths and stuff. If you do decide to get in deep into beauty self care or grooming do some research and make sure you do it right. It will not be a treat for her if she has to talk you through it and teach you how.
The rest, my friends, is up to you knowing the basic mechanic and this isn’t exactly that kind of blog. This advise isn’t exclusive for Valentine’s Day in fact it is best when applied frequently and liberally throughout the calendar year. Love is for every day and I wish you all the best of it for yourselves and the special people in your lives.