2018-12-11 / In categories Posts
Dear Stumpers:
I’ve been inspired by other bloggers to talk about the things I really enjoy. And one of my favorite sources of entertainment is sex and fantasy talk. If twitter is any indication there is a lot of stigma around cyberesex, sexting and fantasy talk and that’s reason enough to talk at length about it. I do so love pissing twitter prudes off.
Credentials: I haven’t gone to school for sex therapy or been in the sex industry in any way or anything like that but what I have been doing is talking dirty with people online since 1999. I’ve never had sex with a person I did not seduce online first. I once got a challenge from a friend to see how many men I could meet on Tinder and talk into jacking off and showing me proof in a picture, in one day.I got bored after bachelor number nine and it was before dinner time.
On gender and sexual orientation: I am writing from the perspective of a cis gendered female whose primary sexual and romantic experiences have been with people who identify as straight cis males. For the purposes of clarity and readability when I refer to “men” I am talking about people who identify themselves as hetero and bi-sexual males. In what I am sure is a benefit to all involved I’ve never really had an attraction to or sexual experience with a gay man. I have had sexual experiences and attractions with straight men and bi-women but I’ve never felt a romantic pull toward another woman. I identify myself as a heteroromantic bisexual.
When I say “partner” I mean any adult person who willingly and consensually engaged in sexual behavior with me ranging from online flirtation to actual intercourse.
I happen to be blessed with some pretty cool and sex positive friends and yet even among these people I find that conversation about sexting and online play are taboo. People are embarrassed to talk about it and that makes it hard to get good at. But getting good at it can be a boon to your sex life.
Safety first: When it comes to online play one of the primary dangers is privacy. Everything you say or show is potentially transmittable to the whole world. Just like when you meet someone in real life it’s a judgment call when to trust someone, be mindful of which details about yourself could be cross referenced to find your identity. Consider creating a seperate web identity for play. Set up an email and facebook with a pseudonym and use it to set up your chatting and dating apps. Don’t give out your real phone number, use an emulator. Just like with real life sex you can take precautions but there is no way to eliminate the risk.
Be clear about your boundaries. Just as it’s good safer sex and consensual practice to talk about boundaries before physical sex, you should talk about your boundaries before during and after virtual play. Be clear about your “hard passes” and deal breakers. I am also pretty big on transparency and intent if you have no intention of escalating to IRL, be clear about it. If you are in a Romantic partnership where your partner consents to you being involved in online or virtual play, say so. Whatever your limit is, state it, this will usually select out the jerks who will try to pressure, slut shame or guilt you into exceeding your boundaries and may also keep you from breaking any hearts.
Think of it as play acting. Most of the rules of improv apply. You’re creating a scene with another person and playing a part you need to listen to and observe your partner to discover what part they want to play. Just like in child’s play or improvisation if you balk at your partner’s ideas the game will come to a pretty abrupt halt. If you do decide you want to bring a game to swift conclusion this is a good way to get someone to stop playing with you. If you outright reject someone’s kink or fantasy idea, they may not trust you to play again. I have done this intentionally when a partner said something that I found degrading or violent toward women. I make it pretty clear when I discuss boundaries that that’s one of my hard lines. There is a certain subset of people who do seek degradation of their desires as part of their fantasy play which I will go into more in Part II Advanced Fantasy talk next week.
Do some homework. Read some of the classics of erotic fiction. Pay attention to the patterns, imagery and symbols when you read, think about what turns you on and what makes you uncomfortable. Learn about sexual and social scripts. My personal theory is that the excitement of fantasy and role play often centers around playing off of these scripts, pushing their boundaries and sometimes subverting them. The high brow thing to know here is that sexual stories are part of our culture and you are participating in it by creating and enacting your own.
Let yourself be a little mundane. Much of our sex culture and concepts of sexual fantasy have shaped us to believe that fantasy requires, exotic locations, improbable scenarios, hairless physiques and polished shiny bodies. I have found that partners are turned on by small bits of private life that often seem very regular and routine. Intimacy is more exciting than many people realize. Give partners the idea that they are being admitted into a special sphere of privilege. I have had tons of success by revealing little things like aspects of my grooming routine. Fantasy at its best is the perfect blend of the accessible and the ideal.
Anticipation, Anticipation, Anticipation! You’ll generate more excitement and keep your partners more engaged, if you give them a balance of anticipation, contribution and reward. Would Super Mario Brothers be one of the most popular video games in history and would Nintendo have become a video gaming behemoth if Mario rescued the princess after you easily defeated level 1? No, no one would have played it because it would have been boring. Yes people, especially men like to see and invision, body parts and penetrative acts, but it’s more fun if you work your way up to it. Don’t go straight into revealing full fantasy scenes, or just sending pictures of your body parts unless you want to be boring.Let things slowly build hold out on your good stuff until you’re really feeling it
Variety is the Spice of Life: Nobody is just one thing all the time. If you’re engaging with someone over a long period of time or across multiple platforms and in real life, give your partner’s space to play a range of roles while you try on a few complimentary versions of yourself. Treat your partners like the complex imaginative individuals that they are and they will surprise you maybe as much as you surprise them.
These are seven basics to get you started if you’re shy about sexting and fantasy talk. But don’t forget the most important thing of all: Have fun. If it isn’t fun or rewarding for you don’t do it, move on to something that you like. It’s totally okay to not like things and you deserve to be with partners who won’t be satisfied if you’re not having fun. If you have questions please feel free to send me a message and ask, just don’t ask me to practice with you.